


Author of His Own Disease

by Minew



Series: I Was Going To Die Slowly [6]
Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hypochondrias, Mental Disorder, Physical Disorder, Slight implications of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-08
Updated: 2017-03-08
Packaged: 2018-10-01 05:34:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,173
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10181777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minew/pseuds/Minew
Summary: When Baekhyun arrives home from China with his band members it’s to two e-mails. One says that nothing is wrong with his blood test and that he’s a healthy, young man. The other says that the mole was benign. Baekhyun begs to differ with both of them.





	

”I assure you, Mr. Byun, you’re perfectly healthy.” Baekhyun nods a little and gets off the examination bed while the doctor turns around to write something in his files. Baekhyun pulls his shirt down again, covering the mole that had him here in the first place. The doctor turns around to flash Baekhyun a smile and the younger man looks towards the floor as he walks to the door. He’s about to close the door behind him when a thought strikes him and has him grounded with fear.

”Doctor, are you 100 % sure it isn’t cancer?” he asks and the doctor sighs heavily.

”We can remove it if you want me to, but yes, I’m 100 % sure it isn’t cancer.” 

Baekhyun bites his lower lip at the response. He’s pretty sure it’s cancer. In fact, he’s convinced it’s cancer. He shakes his head, though. He doesn’t want to seem desperate. Baekhyun isn’t desperate. Not that desperate. It feels like hours before he finally shuts the door behind him and accepts the doctor’s words. Baekhyun doesn’t really trust this doctor. 

There’s something that’s not right. He should go see someone else. A dermatologist will be more worried, will tell him that he’s right. Yes. Because Baekhyun is right. It’s not benign, it’s definitely malignant and it’s cancer and he’s going to die. Oh God, he’s going to die and this doctor doesn’t care. He sniffles and leaves the hospital with dark thoughts clouding his mind. He doesn’t see the car that almost hits him and he doesn’t care when he’s crossing the road while the driver honks at him. Baekhyun is going to die of cancer and nobody cares about him.  

He walks to the park where he plops down on a vacated bench and draws his knees towards his chest. He might as well say goodbye to the members before they’ll see him bald and weak in a hospital bed and question themselves why they didn’t realize he was sick sooner. Baekhyun doesn’t know how long he wallows in self-pity before it turns to anger at the doctor once again. There is definitely something wrong with the mole, he knows. Doctors should listen to their patients because patients know best, right? When he leaves the park bench he promises himself he’ll find another, better doctor tomorrow. Someone who will listen and who will do their job and diagnose him so he at least knows he was right and can start treatment. Yes. That’s what he’s going to do.

 

It’s evening and the bathroom is lit up by the artificial light. Baekhyun is standing with his back facing the mirror, torso twisted so he can find the mole on his lower back. He can barely see it and his neck is hurting from the strain but he needs to see it. He has to make sure it hasn’t grown. He doesn’t think it has. Maybe it has, maybe he has a rare form of skin cancer that spreads quickly. It probably already spread to his liver and his brain. Now he has to read about his survival chances. He lets go of his skin and stands straight so he can grab his phone. He doesn’t get dressed when he unlocks the bathroom door and walks into the living room, his eyes glued to the screen. 

Webmd.com is his only favorite and the most frequently visited and he taps the icon while his phone loads. Baekhyun plops onto the couch and pushes Minseok to the side so he can pull his knees against his chest again. Minseok doesn’t say anything and Baekhyun doesn’t apologize. 

_Brain cancer can have a wide variety of symptoms including seizures, sleepiness, confusion, and behavioral changes. Not all brain tumors are cancerous, and benign tumors can result in similar symptoms._

He disregards the last sentence. His metastasis is definitely not benign. Outside of being a little more tired than usual, he hasn’t had the other symptoms, however. It must be because it’s just a metastasis. He has been more tired than usual, so the skin cancer from the mole has definitely spread to his cancer. He navigates through the entire web page and forces himself into a small panic attack. Baekhyun is going to die from cancer.

“Hyung, I’m sorry I never got to say how much you mean to me!” Baekhyun says and grabs Minseok’s hand. Minseok look at him in confusion.

“What?”

“I’m going to die.”

This only has Minseok even more confused.

“Die?” he asks and Baekhyun nods, eyes watery.

“I have skin cancer.” Minseok shakes his head and Baekhyun can feel a little annoyance bubble up.

“No, you don’t,” Minseok says. Yes, he has. Baekhyun lets go of Minseok’s hand.

“Yes, I do.”

Minseok sighs a little and pats Baekhyun’s shoulder.

“Baekhyun, you’re healthy. You were at the doctor 2 days ago.”

Baekhyun wants to protest but Minseok is right. He was. But at the time it wasn’t because of his skin cancer, it was because he had a horrible cough that was definitely going to kill him. Come to think of it, it’s probably still there. Maybe it was originally lung cancer and he missed the symptoms. He can’t bear that idea. He would have known if something was wrong. His doctor is incompetent; he knows that but would he really have missed something that important? Minseok is about to leave the living room when Baekhyun grabs onto his wrist.

“Hyung, do you think anything is wrong with my mole?” he asks and twists again so Minseok can look at his back. Baekhyun counts the seconds from he asked his question while Minseok lets his eyes roam over Baekhyun’s back.

“Which mole?” he finally asks, confusion in his voice. Baekhyun is close to sighing. How difficult is it to see? Baekhyun finds it all the time so it must be very visible. He lets his finger over his back as much as he possibly can and when he finds it, he removes his finger just enough so he can point towards it.

“This one.”

Baekhyun holds his breath while Minseok examines it.

“It looks pretty normal to me, Baek. You should go to bed.”

He gently removes Baekhyun’s hand on his wrist before he leaves into kitchen and Baekhyun slumps back against the couch back. It’s not normal. Minseok’s reassurance doesn’t help him at all.

 

Baekhyun wakes up with a slight headache and instantly concludes that he’s having a concussion or a brain bleeding. He tells Joonmyun this and the leader only raises an eyebrow.

“It’s probably because you fell asleep on the couch yesterday.” But it isn’t. No, it’s definitely something worse. Baekhyun doesn’t tell Joonmyun that because he’s going to another doctor today anyway so he might as well raise his concerns with the healthcare professional.

A couple of hours later he has driven 45 minutes to get to another hospital. Hopefully this one is better and takes him seriously. His headache is gone when he arrives. It’s a female doctor that greets him when he steps into the office and Baekhyun feels his heart rate spike. Her white coat has his heart beating and it’s not in a good way. She sends him a gentle smile.

“What’s the problem?” she asks and Baekhyun blinks rapidly a couple of times in order to will him back to the present.

“I think I have cancer.” The silence in the room is uncomfortable and only make Baekhyun even more aware of his heart. The doctor is looking through her files. “It’s a mole,” he adds. He doesn’t need her to look through what the incompetent doctor has said about him. She looks at him again with a small smile.

“Can I take a look at the mole?” Baekhyun nods, sits on the examination bed and lifts his shirt off so he can twist his back and show her the mole. He gently finds his way to the mole and points at it.

“This one.” 

The silence is deafening while she looks at his mole. He’s waiting anxiously for her diagnosis, for her to confirm what he already knows when she pulls away. Baekhyun turns around to face her and his future.

“It’s a completely normal mole, Mr. Byun. I can run a blood test if you want me to but there is absolutely no reason to fear the mole. If it starts changing size, color or becomes asymmetrical you should come again but for now, it’s harmless.”

Baekhyun scoffs. That’s untrue. She’s apparently just as incompetent as the former doctor. He agrees to the blood test, however, just to prove her wrong. There is definitely something wrong with him and it comes from the mole, he knows that. The mole wasn’t there a week ago and now it is so it has to be a sign of disease. 

A nurse takes the blood test and tells him that they’ll send him an email with the results if nothing stands out to them. Otherwise, they’ll contact him on the phone. When Baekhyun leaves the hospital, he’s in a strange state of mind. He’s relieved he’ll get the answers, that he’ll get to prove them wrong, that he will finally get a diagnosis and at the same time, he’s absolutely terrified to finally officially hear what is wrong with him. He enters the practice room and is greeted by his band members and their choreographer. Baekhyun is not their best dancer and he knows it. It’s okay now, however, because he can’t stop thinking about the diagnosis he’ll soon hear and how he’ll die as a main vocal – not a main dancer. On the other hand, maybe that is fair too. After all, he was unlucky to get sick.

 

Kyungsoo laughs and Jongdae shrinks a little away in the corner. Baekhyun is getting tired and it’s definitely because of the skin cancer and brain tumor but he’s pretty sure they’re getting tired of lying to him so instead of asking Sehun to his side, he excuses himself and leaves. The ride home is filled with thoughts swirling in his mind, connecting his diseases and symptoms and making everything a lot more horrifying that it really should be. There’s a treatment to cancer. But can he even survive for long if his entire body is filled with metastases? He opens the door to the dorm and feels a pressing need on his bladder. The moment he opens the door to the bathroom, however, he’s standing face to face with Chanyeol, who is dragging a knife slowly over his skin and making himself bleed. Baekhyun just looks at him. Blood is filled with bacteria. Everybody knows that. There are bacteria everywhere. He looks down at himself when his knee starts itching. Baekhyun has a small abrasion on his knee. He looks up in fear. Chanyeol is transferring bacteria to him, even if they’re on opposite ends of the room. Fuck. 

Baekhyun turns around on his heels and hurries into his bedroom, slamming the door and hiding under his blanket. Infections. His abrasion is going to get infected for sure now. It has already been infected. He needs antibiotics but he can’t get antibiotics for now. It’s impossible, the doctor is closed and he can’t go to the ER for antibiotics, can he? He can. Baekhyun wills his breathing to slow down and closes his eyes so he can focus his thoughts on his breath alone, not all the horrible things that are definitely finding a new home in his body. He doesn’t look at any of the members that are entering when he exits. He’s driving an hour to get to the ER, he doesn’t trust the doctors at the two previous hospitals he has been at. 

The doctor raises a skeptic eyebrow at Baekhyun when he tells him about how he’s certain he’s infected and needs antibiotics. He doesn’t get the medication but he does get his abrasion cleaned and bandaged with a small bandage. It doesn’t feel right. There is something they’re missing. It’s not just about the abrasion, it’s about all the infections he’s going to be suffering from. They’re going to make his cancer even worse. His immune system is not as good at fighting infection as it used to be, they must know. They’re the doctors. But the doctor refuse to give him antibiotics and Baekhyun has to leave with a clean wound and a crippling anxiety that screams at him that the doctors are all wrong. Baekhyun doesn’t get a lot of sleep that night.

 

“Jongdae!” Baekhyun knocks on the door. “Jongdae!” Something sounds from the other side and Baekhyun slams his hand against the door again. “Open up!” When the door finally opens, Jongdae mainly hides behind the door. Baekhyun pays it no mind. “You have to tell me if my mole has changed.” He opens the door fully, pushing Jongdae into his room before he turns around so Jongdae can look at his back. The other man stares at his back for far too long. The only reason Baekhyun is here in the morning is because the bathroom is occupied and he can’t twist far enough to look at his back without the mirror. Jongdae shrugs a little but doesn’t say anything. It’s far worse than Baekhyun imagined. He doesn’t say anything when he leaves Jongdae’s room. Kyungsoo looks at him confused from the kitchen.

“Where are you going? We’re leaving soon,” he says before a scream sounds from one of the bedrooms. They’re not leaving soon.

“I have to go to the hospital,” Baekhyun says and Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow.

“Why?”

Baekhyun just shakes his head.

“I’m sick.”

He’s so invested in the thought that he doesn’t see Kyungsoo shake his head. Baekhyun is driving past the first three hospitals he sees. He needs to get away, he needs to find a doctor he hasn’t consulted before. When he finally pulls into the parking lot he feels his anxiety spike. He’s really really sick and he needs to get them to believe him. He needs to convince them that it’s not something he tells himself. That this is his reality. The third doctor he consults about his mole tells him that he will remove it and take a test of it so Baekhyun doesn’t have to worry. Removing the mole takes 10 minutes and a bandage and then he’s sent back home with the message that they’ll contact him when they have the result. Baekhyun doesn’t feel completely at ease. The knowledge he has is still gnawing at his mind.

 

When Baekhyun arrives home from China with his band members it’s to two e-mails. One says that nothing is wrong with his blood test and that he’s a healthy, young man. The other says that the mole was benign. Baekhyun begs to differ with both of them. He’s not a healthy, young man and the mole was definitely malignant. He can’t believe the doctors are doing their jobs when they get the wrong results all the time. He’s crying when Lay finds him and pats his back and asks him what’s wrong. Baekhyun just relays his concerns to the Chinese member and Lay listens to him.

“But do you feel sick?” he asks and Baekhyun stares at him incredulously.

“Of course I feel sick! I’m sick, I know I’m sick!” 

Lay sends him a kind smile and just nods while he pats his shoulder. Baekhyun gets tired of it and shrugs him away. 

“I’m going to find a doctor that will take me seriously instead of all these cheaters. They probably cheated their way through med school.” The words sound like a hollow lie, even to Baekhyun but he can’t believe that they’re right. They must be wrong. There’s simply no other way to explain that Baekhyun still feels sick. The mole might be gone but the cancer must still be there. He has been looking at the wound all the time they were in China and it doesn’t seem to be healing correctly so there must be a problem with it too. It’s probably the infections he got from Chanyeol that the doctor at the ER wouldn’t prescribe him antibiotics for. He said it was itching when he went to the ER. Why does no one ever listen to him? Lay gets up from the couch and pats Baekhyun’s head twice before Baekhyun glares up at him. It has Lay leaving with a chuckle.

 

Baekhyun doesn’t know why he went home but now that he has his mother next to him, he can’t help it when the words slip out.

“I think I’m sick,” he says and his mother instantly places a hand on his forehead. He doesn’t have a fever, however, and his mother starts her incessant talk about SM Entertainment not treating him well. It has nothing to do with SM so he convinces her of this. It’s not because he’s working as an idol. No, if it is anybody’s fault, it’s the doctors who don’t believe him every time he tells them that something is wrong. His mother cuddles him close and Baekbeom laughs when he later calls their mother and sees his younger brother leaning against her shoulder.

 

No doctor that Baekhyun seeks believes that he’s sick and none of them listens to him. It has his anxiety growing stronger and he is more tired, the symptoms becoming more and more pronounced to himself but to nobody else. The members are getting tired of his answers and his mother is getting increasingly worried every time her son asks her if she believes he’s sick. Baekhyun doesn’t realize any of this, however, because he can only focus on his symptoms and the fact that nobody seems to acknowledge how sick he really is. He has sought out various public and private doctors in South Korea, he even thought of going overseas. There must be someone who will believe him and not put him off as crazy. He isn’t crazy. He’s sick. 

Baekhyun is sitting in the kitchen, a cup of tea in front of him. He’s warming his hands on the warm cup and feels a sting of heartache, he doesn’t know why. Minseok is in the living room, Kyungsoo is trying to lure Jongdae out of his room, Sehun is talking silently to Chanyeol. Joonmyun is calculating pills for all of them. Lay is playing the guitar from the chair opposite of Baekhyun. It’s a normal day, as normal as a day can be for all of them. There’s nothing that would lead you to believe that Baekhyun is slowly dying from what must be either cancer or an unknown disease. What he knows, however, is that as long as nobody believes he’s sick, he’ll have to take care himself. So Baekhyun turns around and leaves his cup of tea on the kitchen table and makes his way into the living room.

 

“Hyung, I found another mole on my arm. Do you think it’s malignant?”


End file.
